I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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