Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Did I show you my penis last night?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
