Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
