LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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