i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
