I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
