why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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