I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
