Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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