Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
