Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
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he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
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Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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