she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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