I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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