The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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