Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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