I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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