Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
