honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
