I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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