Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
