I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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