Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
