Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
