Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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