My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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