woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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