WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
