My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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