God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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