It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
