he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
