if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
