he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
