Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
