Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
