No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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