I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
