i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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