Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
