My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
