I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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