the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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