There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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