true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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