My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
