I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
