I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
