I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
