Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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