That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
