life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
