id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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