Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
