I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
