When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
